Psycho - Headless Horsemen MC novel Chapter 19

- Harley -

"I love you Harley" Jax's words snap me out of the small world I was in, I look up to him and study his face, is he being serious? No one's told me that they love me in years, the last person to say it to me was my brother and he left after he said it is that what love means? To leave the person you 'love'? Not even my asshole of an ex said it. I don't know what love feels like I'm almost positive I never loved my ex, maybe at the start but it was nothing compared to how Jax makes me feel. How do I know if he actually means it? How do I know if I feel it? I go to speak and ask but he raises his finger to my lips stopping me.

"You don't have to say anything, I don't expect you too. But I need you to know it, the thought of losing you with you knowing exactly how I feel drives a pain through my heart, I really do love you Harley" I study his face again looking for any indication that he may be lying to me, but he looks serious, deadly serious.

Is what I feel towards him, love? I've asked people what it feels like and they all have different answers, some say it's like a warm hug around your heart, some say it's like constant fireworks going off with every touch and word. I think to myself trying to figure it out, I think about losing him and a shooting pain goes to my heart and I want to cry at the thought that I would never see him again, my heart hurts when I think about him leaving me for someone else, it hurts when I think about him not waking up by my side, it hurts my heart more than anything that's hurt me before.

Every time I touch him its always like a flood of warmth and happiness that overtakes my body, when he speaks to me I'm calm, he manages to keep my demons at bay and I'm yet to hurt him, actually the thought of me hurting him hurts me more than any of my other thoughts, this must be what love feels like, it has to be, I want him by my side for the rest of my life, the modern-day Bonnie and Clyde.

I move my hand to caress his cheek and he leans into my touch, my heart beats a thousand miles a minute, my stomach fills with butterflies and for once I am content in my life, I love this man I know I do.

"I love you too, Jax, I don't know how it exactly feels but I honestly think it is," I say quietly, as soon as the words leave my mouth his eyes light up, staring down deep into my soul, "Do you really?" He asks me, I nod before looking back up at him. "I've never been in love before so I'm not sure what it feels like, but I know that you give me feelings no one else ever has. You change something in me for the better and I can only hope I do the same to you" I pause for a second before clearing my throat, "What does love feel like Jax?"

"At first, it's like Spring. Everything's blooming. Your chest feels like it's going to explode, you're so happy to see or even hear from the other person, but you're both still a little unsure about what to do with the feeling. They're the person with whom you most look forward to speaking. And then it's Summer. Everything is hot and heavy. You can't get enough of each other. It's passionate. It's like...your world is on fire for this person. It isn't just lust. Porn doesn't hold the same attraction anymore. If it does, you no longer look at it as actors on a screen getting it on. You picture your significant other because they're the person that really gets you off. And then the fire calms--but doesn't go away".

He pulls me in closer to his chest wrapping his arms around my lower back before he continues, "It's like Fall. Fall is my favourite time of year, so perhaps that's how I equate it to love. You're just...absolutely content to hold this person's hand or be in their presence. It's no longer overwhelming happiness--unless you stop to think about it. You don't feel the need to be in this person's presence every day, but you still do because it's just...comfortable. It's a very calm happiness. This person isn't just everything you can think about consciously. They're in your thoughts without even realizing it. This person is not just a part of your day, anymore. Suddenly, they're part of who you are as a person".

"And love is also like Winter. Sometimes it's hard. You'll fight. Without even knowing it, you'll say things that hurt the other person so deep. You have this power to completely destroy this other person. Then you realize what this person could do to you. And you're suddenly terrified. You either open up even more and take that chance that they won't destroy you, or you run".

His smile turns to a frown when he finishes the last part but he clears his throat and continues, "Love is an ever-evolving, ever-changing thing that grows with you as a couple. It's a fire that burns bright and calms to a steady, warm glow. That's what love is kitten".

I pause for a second taking everything he said in, I look back at him as he looks worried like I'm going to change my mind and run, I give him a soft smile and sigh, "If that's what love feels like then I love you jax, I really do".

He smiles from ear to ear before giving me a few quick kisses "I love you too kitten" he pulls me in for a deep kiss before a low cough breaks us apart, I look to where the cough came from and see Gunner standing there, butt-fucking naked. Jax groans when he sees Gunner, "Gunner hide your pin dick I don't want to see that shit," I say looking up to jax to try and forget the image of Gunners dick flashing before my eyes.

"Shut up Harlz I know you want a piece of this" I make the mistake of looking over to Gunner again whose now shaking his dick from side to side. I fake gag before laughing at him, Jax's body tenses as Gunner keeps talking shit to us, "You won't fucking breath near here if you keep it up brother" Jax warns him, he laughs and walks off back upstares to one of the bedrooms, bottle of whiskey in one hand joint in the other.

"How do you put up with him?" I aks Jax who just laughs and shakes his head. "A lot of alcohol and weed now let's get some sleep we have a big drive back tomorrow". We climb into bed and get comfortable Jax pulls me into his chest and starts to play with my hair as i slowly drift off to sleep. I don't know how long I had been asleep for but I woke up after a nightmare, it's still dark outside, I turn my head back to look at Jax who had his arms welded around my body snoring his head off.

I wriggle out of his grip and throw his shirt on before making my way downstairs. I make a coffee and go and sit out the front of the clubhouse on the steps watching the sunrise. I hear heavy footsteps behind me before they stop next to me, I look to my side and see Matthew sitting down next to me.