The Pretend Boyfriend novel Chapter 35

Take tonight, for example. He's sorry he ever dropped the subject of opera to Caleb.

"Hey, I like opera," Caleb chimed up brightly.

"Since when? I've known you since the eighth grade, and you've never, ever shown the slightest inclination towards the deviant arts."

"Like, duh. Opera isn't deviant, last time I checked."

"Matter of opinion. Back in the Inquisition, it was a legalized method of torture alongside the rack and anal probes."

"They didn't have anal probes during the Inquisition."

"Speak for yourself. I remember the history books differently. If you were a fornicator, they probed your prostate with matchsticks before they fucked your ears with La Traviata."

"Hey, I know my history. La Travalina ... whatever wasn't written during the Inquisition. It was written sometime in ... uh ... " Caleb scrunches his forehead.

"How can you like opera when you can't even pronounce half the Italian names? Now, why do you want to go to something that's going to trip your tongue up and bore you out of your skull when you can do the same with a power drill?"

"Why the fuck are you going then? Oh, I get it. You're taking Samantha out on a date." Caleb grinned. "I think it's totally cool you're dating her, though I hadn't pegged you for the dating type, Mr. 'I don't do romance, I only fuck."

"I believe my exact words are 'I don't believe in love, I believe in fucking'. And I'm not dating Samantha. We're just hanging out, the way you and I hang out. When you do make the time to hang out with your old, lonesome friend who happens to be single, of course."

Caleb had the decency to look abashed. "Well, Brian, I know I haven't been around as much as I used to lately - "

"Hah."

" - but it happens when you start dating someone. You want to see them as much as you can to see where you're going with the relationship. Not that you'd know. Or care."

"Not that I'd want to know."

"But it's a temporary phase. I'm sorry I've neglected you - "

"Oh baby, you haven't neglected me." Brian mimicked a woman's voice. "I've just been waiting by the telephone and you haven't called in days." He slaps the back of his best friend's head. "You twat. Of course you don't have to feel guilty for doing what comes naturally."

"I just assumed you've been hanging out with Sam. So this Saturday is a chance for us to double date." He spied Brian's deadpan look. "OK, to hang out. It's a chance for us to be together again. Cassie has been saying she'd like to take in a little culture."

Brian was going to open his mouth to protest, and then he thought: What the fuck?

Cassie comes up and grabs Sam's arm.

"You look absolutely fabulous," she says in envy.

"Thanks to Brian."

"Oh." Cassie eyes him up and down as she would an insect. "Buying gifts now to assuage your guilt?"

"Guilt isn't in my vocabulary." He smirks.

"User."

"Touche."

"Now, now, guys," Sam interrupts, without seeming too concerned. She is used to their public tiffs by now. "This is one of the few evenings we get to spend together, and I'd like to do so without having to blow my referee whistle every two seconds."

Brian leans over to Caleb and says in a very loud voice. "That's why you should have left your girlfriend back in the psych ward with her meds."