- I won’t stop trying
Rowan.
My feet hit the pavement as I run. I usually run in the morning, but today I decided otherwise It was around seven in the evening, and I needed this run.
I speed up, feeling my muscles burn. I wanted to outrun my guilt. Wanted to outrun my heartache.
I wanted to outrun my fucking foolishness.
The guilt of how much I had hurt Ava was eating me alive. Destroying me from the inside out. I
haven’t been able to face her since I discovered my feelings for her.
I look at myself in the mirror, and all I see is a despicable human being. I am disgusted by my
actions. Disgusted by all that I did to her.
I thought I was a good man. The kind that loves fiercely. I was always proud of myself for holding on to my love for Emma. I thought it meant that my feelings for her were true. What I didn’t
realize was that while doing that, I was hurting the woman I actually loved.
“Fuck!” I curse myself and the world.
How the hell did I get here?
I push myself harder as I run past the gas station a few miles from my house. I don’t have time to slow down because once I do, my demons will be back to haunt me. To taunt me with all my
mistakes.
Every time I close my eyes, I see her face from many months ago, before she asked for a divorce. I
don’t even remember what I said to 1 it it hurt her pretty badly. I remember her eyes shutting down in pain as she told me she hated me. I scoffed. Not knowing that I would one day crave the
love she used to have for me.
I messed up big time. Now everything is fucked up and I don’t know how to fix it.
My phone rings, and I am pulled from my drowning thoughts.
“Hello,” I answer without checking the caller’s ID. My breaths coming in hard and fast.
“Dad, it’s me!” Noah shouts in excitement.
We’ve talked on the phone, but I haven’t been by to see him. Not when seeing him means seeing
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“Hey, buddy. How are you?”
“I’m good rm super excited,” he all but shouts.
My curiosity gets the best of me, even though part of me thinks that I will regret asking
“Why? What’s got you in such a good mood?” I chuckle.
Talking to him brought a sense of peace. Right now, he was my lifeline because I felt like I was drowning. Like I was dying from the inside.
“Well, you remember my best friend Gunner?” he asks
“Yeah”
“Well, a bunch of things happened, and I wanted to cheer him up, so I talked to mom and she agreed. We’re going to an amusement park tomorrow. Mom, me, Gunner and his dad,” he shouts the last part.
I feel jealousy take control. The thought of having another man near her was driving me insane. I know I said she deserves better, but I honestly don’t think I can let her go.
“Is that right?” I ask, my voice taking a hard tone.
“Yeah” Noah replies. “Are you okay, dad? You don’t sound fine,” he says after realizing that I wasn’t as excited for him as I should be..
T
I spin around and begin my walk back home. My insides burned from envy. What if she chose this man? What if they were in a relationship? What if she fell in love with him? The more I thought of
all the possibilities, the more I got pissed at myself for being such an idiot.
“Where is it?” I ask him crisply.
“Oh, in the next town,” he replies. “Are you okay, dad?”
“Yes. Absolutely,” I lie.
“Okay then,” his voice is incredulous. “I’ll talk to you later. Just wanted to let you know that I won’t
be around tomorrow, in case you wanted to see me. Bye dad, goodnight.”
“Goodnight too, buddy,” I said, hanging up the phone.
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I continue my walk. I’d come out tonight in the hopes of calming my thoughts. It was wasted because, on top of all the stress, I was now pissed as hell
I get to my home thirty minutes later. The cold air had done nothing to cool my frayed nerves. I wanted to storm to Ava’s place and claim her. I wanted to tell her she can’t go out with this Calvin guy I wanted to declare my love for her.
“Mr. Woods, there is someone here to see you,” my butler informs me the moment I step into my house
“Who is it?” I ask.
Before he can answer, her voice interrupts us. I swear as I turn around to face her. Fuck! I didn’t have the time or patience to deal with her.
“How can I help you, Emma?” I feel it as Rodgers, my butler, leaves.
“Yes, but I also came to realize that I don’t love you I may have in the past, but not anymore.
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