The Pretend Boyfriend novel Chapter 64

Dr. Robertson sits across the desk from him. Brian has never felt comfortable on a couch, and he'd rather just stare at the renowned psychiatrist from across a desk, as though they are having a business discussion.

"How do you feel today, Brian?"

"Like a freight truck ran into me."

"You were really shattered yesterday."

"Yesterday, it was an eighteen-wheeler." Brian pulls in a deep breath. "Seriously, I'm better now. Yesterday was ... embarrassing. It won't happen again."

"Why do you find it embarrassing?" Dr. Robertson is older than Brian remembered him, with silver hair at his wings, but his blue eyes are every bit as hawk-like and piercing as Brian recalled. But he has always felt at ease with the man. He doesn't confuse you with a lot of psychobabble, and he's honest to the bone. Brian appreciates brutal honesty.

He says, "Because I haven't had a panic attack since I had my wisdom teeth pulled out."

"Past tense. Doesn't mean you can't have one now."

"And here I was, thinking I was a well-adjusted human being."

"You are a well-adjusted human being. I've been following your case, Brian. Anyone who has been through what you have for the past few months has every chance of cracking under the strain."

"I'm not cracking. Mirrors crack. Badly maintained pavements crack."

"Spare the wisecracks, Brian."

"Jesus, I'm not cracking, all right?" Brian gets up, runs a hand through his hair, and paces around the office.

Dr. Robertson observes him. "You don't have to feel that you have to be in charge all the time. It has been the only way you could cope when you were a teenager, but the circumstances are different now."

Brian swings round suddenly. "Tell me, doc, is it hereditary?"

"What?"

"Violence. Is it hereditary?"

Dr. Robertson sighs. "There is a strong association. The son of a drug- or alcohol-abusing father has around four to seven times greater than average of having the same problems. There are more than a hundred studies to show a genetic basis for abusive personalities. But you don't have an abusive personality."

"How would you know? You haven't seen me as a patient since college."

"No, but your mother still comes to me as a friend and she talks about you all the time. From all accounts, you're as gentle as a lamb."

Brian smirks. "She's not the one whose neck is in a noose."

"You don't know that."

"It's a hanging jury."

Dr. Robertson's silence indicates that he thinks there's a chance of it too.

He finally says, "The only thing you can do is tell them the truth. That's all you can realistically do."

"I know."

"I take that as a yes. And you haven't been with anyone else?"

"No. But that's because I'm afraid ... of what might happen."

"And yet you're not afraid around Samantha?"

Brian shakes his head. "Sam's different. She knows me in and out. I'll never harm a hair on her head."

"What makes you think you'll harm a hair on anyone else's head? You drinking?"

"Not anymore. I'm not doing drugs either."

"Good. Keep it that way. Throw yourself into your work, Brian. And keep hanging around this Samantha." Dr. Robertson's eyes twinkle. "She's good for you. You should see the look on your face when I mentioned her."

"Huh?" Brian is immediately wary.

"You just lighted up like Christmas came early. If I didn't know you better ... and maybe I don't, not yet anyway ... I'd think you were in love." Dr. Robertson leans back in his executive chair and folds his hands, smiling.

"Me? In love?" Brian tosses off a nervous laugh. "I don't believe in love, I believe in - "

"Fucking. Yes, I know. But there's always a first for everything." He holds up a hand before Brian can protest. "You don't have to admit it to yourself right away, but just know that it may be your lifesaver."

"I don't do love." Brian pauses, and then goes on, "Loving someone sets you up to be hurt. And I can't afford 'hurt'. Not anymore."

"You weren't in the gym business before either, but now you are. I can't promise you that you won't be hurt, Brian. Life doesn't quite work out that way. But you don't skip out on taking an airplane just because you're afraid it might crash. So if you don't open yourself to the possibility of love ... or of being loved, for the matter ... then you'll never experience life's greatest moments."