There's No Love In the Deathzone (BL) novel Chapter 77

Chapter 77: Chapter 75. Numb

Weren’t he sick of that kind of life?

He was. Of course, he was. Or rather, he used to be. Zein was a human after all. He used to feel sick of not having a guarantee for tomorrow, of struggling just to eat, to keep worrying about his brothers.

He was so sick of it that he wanted to get out of the red-zone.

He was so sick of it that he grew numb. He learned so much about coping with his limitation, of accepting his fate.

Now he just didn’t care much. He just lived the way life roll its path for him, and he stopped questioning it. People like him had no leeway of choosing the path they wanted, of doing the thing they wanted.

But was there really something that he wanted in the first place?

He made a journey to the borderland to find an answer. He made a journey to the green-zone to find another answer. But even then, all the things that he did; guiding, training others, joining the research...

None of it could be said as something he truly wanted, but instead something he couldn’t help but do. A path that had been laid by others for him to thread.

Was he hoping for a peaceful life? He used to have a reason to, but now he just didn’t care. Was he hoping for an adventurous life? Not really. Was he hoping for a dangerous life? He didn’t think so.

Just one question led him to enter this state where he realized that he didn’t even know whether he wanted to live or die. He remembered how numb he became a few days ago, and he was reminded how numb he was now.

"I bet if I kiss you now, you won’t even react,"

Zein snapped back into reality when he felt Bassena’s sturdy arm around his shoulder. The esper tilted his head and looked at him with a playful pout, pursing his lips in disappointment.

"Huh? Oh...what? Are we there yet?" Zein just blinked at the esper, not really realizing where they were.

Bassena was taking him to tour the basement training halls just like the esper had promised. From the isolated private training chamber to the one used together. Everything was made of reinforced materials that could withstand esper’s mana, and protected further by strengthening barriers.

It would be amazing if Zein didn’t space out every once in a while. If he didn’t have Bassena who was steadily steering him off of harm’s way, Zein would have hit so many walls and railings. So the esper decided to just bring the man straight to their destination; the training hall for the strike guide division.

"We’ve been here for like five minutes already," Bassena chuckled and let go of the guide’s shoulder. "What are you thinking that got you so out of it?"

"This and that," Zein took a deep breath to clear his mind and focused on his surrounding.

It was a big space, like a stadium. Even then, it was supposed to be the smallest out of all training halls. There was fitness equipment in one corner, and what looked like a weapon rack in another. But since guides wouldn’t really need weapons, the rack was empty.

The place used to be the training area for the rookies and the low-star esper, but the Guildmaster decided to convert it as a space for the new division when Zein asked for a training field.

"Are the espers alright with that?"

"It’s fine," Bassena waved his hand casually. "Since the high-star espers tend to train on their own inside the private chamber, the hall is only used for occasional sparing. It’s a waste of a perfectly good training hall."

The Guildmaster had arranged for the third-level basement training hall that was previously reserved only for 4 and 5-star espers to be used by the 3-star and 2-star espers now, whereas the low-star espers who previously could only use the training hall Zein was at right now being bumped into the second-level basement.

"Actually, they should be glad about it. They no longer need to star up to enjoy the better facilities," Bassena smirked, as he had witnessed it first-hand, how eager the rookies were to try the new training hall. "So? You’re satisfied with it?"

"There’s no reason not to," he stared at the fitness equipment, which was previously used by the low-ranking esper member. "I need to recalibrate these machines," he muttered, typing into his commlink.

Bassena smiled warmly as he followed the guide who seemed to already go back to his usual self. Zein keenly examined the machines, checking the shower room, tapping into the floor surface. He stood in front of the empty weapon rack for a while, thinking about the kind of equipment a normal guide could carry. He checked on the passageway outside the training hall, staring into the elevator door at the far end, before nodding and coming back inside.

"I heard you ask for a floor where not many espers would frequent—why?" Bassena asked as they leaned against the railing surrounding the arena. "Are you worried the espers would harass the guide?"

"Hmm...not really. Isn’t there a rule banning espers from harassing guides anyway?" Zein replied while finishing his note in the commlink to be sent to Alice. "But..." he looked up, staring into the wide training hall, "it’s a new thing for guides to pursue physical improvement. And it’s also a new division, where doubt is still being cast. They might get shy or discouraged about doing it somewhere other people could see."

Zein had experienced it too, being mocked for doing physical exercise, being looked down upon. At that time, he couldn’t care less about those voices, since the only thing on his mind was survival. Not just from beasts, but from espers. He couldn’t always use his magic energy, so he tried to be strong even without using it.

That kind of mindset and persistence, however, not necessarily existed in other guides’ minds. So he had to keep these green-zone dwellers’ pacifist mentality in mind.

"You know, Zein..." Bassena leaned forward and tilted his head to look at the guide. "You really are caring. Well, I guess you’re a caretaker after all,"

Zein looked at the warm amber orbs for a while before turning his face. "No," he answered with stiff, pressed lips. It always bothered him when people think he was good just because he took care of the twins. "I just did it because I must."

"But you don’t have to," Bassena didn’t back down. He knew enough of Zein’s familial situation from the information he gathered before meeting the guide three months ago. "Right?"

For all he knew, the old man just dropped the twins there, to a ten-year-old boy. Even if Zein neglected them, even if Zein ran away or gave them away to other people, no one would blame him. The boy had no more obligation to take care of two toddlers than a neighborhood grandma.

But he did.

"...I guess," the guide frowned deeply, voice starting to crack with doubt.

Zein could choose not to care; not to raise the twins, not to be concerned with the other guides’ mentality. He could choose not to care about his identity and forget about the shard or the reclamation project. He could choose to stay ignorant, and forever live in numbness.