A Gift from the Goddess novel Chapter 140

…I couldn’t believe I was actually thinking of doing this.

Again.

I should have already learnt my lesson by now… no, I really shouldn’t be trying to make it stronger. I already knew how dangerous that side of me was. And yet Kieran looked at me with those puppy dog eyes, making it feel impossible to deny him.

…So here I was.

Contemplating doing the very thing I was sure would make him happier than it would make me.

I knew he wanted me to be completely healthy again, to be able to do the things he could do, to try and… fix me. Which wasn’t a bad thing, per se. It was great. It’s just… I wasn’t sure if I was ready for that yet. This wasn’t like asking me something trivial. He was asking me to connect with a beast who had terrorised me for years.

A shiver went through me as I recalled every time it had happened, remembering the blood and bodies. Remembering… the pain. Not even Kieran had been safe last time, it having lashed out at him as well.

“I’ll be right here with you, I promise,” Kieran said, disrupting my thoughts. “It won’t be like the last time. You don’t need to worry.”

Right.

Because the medicine should have stopped the suppressors by now… which should theoretically stop the pain… which should then stop the blackouts… and the death toll after it.

So simple. Logical.

Surely nothing bad would happen again. I could do this.

And so I held my breath tentatively.

“…Okay, Kieran,” I said, feeling numb. “I’ll do it.”

And I agreed to do the very thing that terrified me.

I stood a foot or so away from him as we got started, watching him carefully. A small tremor was shaking through me, but I did my best to push through it. Now, more than ever, I needed to focus entirely on what Kieran was trying to tell me.

It quite literally could mean life or death.

“Deep breath, Rae,” he said, doing it himself as if to remind me how.

Yes… thank you for that.

But I still did it regardless.

“Okay, now… close your eyes… and reach deep inside. Try to connect with her,” he instructed.

I wanted to be sick.

“Rae… close your eyes,” he repeated, seeing me hesitate.

…And I did as he asked.

So basic. This was meant to be straightforward biology. Because turning into a wolf was meant to be normal. Yep, just a… totally ordinary thing to do.

But as I reached down towards it inside, I felt a spark of revulsion. One that stemmed from the idea of letting it control me once more. It was like tempting fate, opening the door to allow it to hurt others; something that I had sworn to leave behind as I began my new life.

And so I said… no. No more. Never again.

If we were to do this… then we were going to do it my way.

And I quickly grabbed ahold of the creature lurking, its teeth bared at me from the shadows of my mind… and I threw it to the surface. I threw it to the surface and held it in place, forcing it to do what I willed it to.

…An action that was then swiftly followed by the sound of my joint cracking.

*SNAP*

…And another…

*SNAPPP*

……And another….

And soon I felt pain overcome me, my body shifting and twisting in all sorts of ways I didn’t think possible. Contorting into new shapes, burning with every modification… a loud orchestra of flesh and bone moving that overwhelmed my ears.

“Are you still with me?” I heard Kieran say.

Yes, I was still here. The pain wasn’t as bad as the last time. It felt manageable… and I kept it that way. Though it was something that took my entire concentration to achieve.

At some point, Kieran had moved to my side, I could tell that much. Maybe to try and get a reply from me. But it wouldn’t matter for long. No, I could feel the end soon ahead, just within reach.

…And it only took another moment before everything stilled.

The world stopped moving, my nausea slowly passed… and, finally, it was over.

“Rae?” Kieran asked.

I looked up towards him, my vision now different. Though truthfully, it wasn’t just my vision. As I moved my head, it seemed as though everything was now… sharper, my senses feeling heightened tenfold.

“Are you okay? You still in there?”

Barely.

I was still holding the creature hostage inside, its teeth snapping at me for control. But not this time. This time, I wouldn’t allow it even an inch of leeway. I was stronger now.

Perhaps Kieran had found a way to be with his wolf in peace, which was great for him… but that didn’t mean it had to be that way for everyone. Whatever I was doing was clearly working and it meant that I could feel more reassured. Reassured that it wouldn’t hurt anyone ever again.

I looked at Kieran in a way that I hoped conveyed my presence and nodded my head.

This is what he wanted. To prove I was better. Well… here I was.

A wolf.

Moving in the skin of the monster I loathed.

“Did you want to try going for a run?”

Did I?

No… not particularly. I think I mostly just wanted to change back.

However, it seemed that running was the assumed next step as he proceeded to start shifting himself. And, before too long had passed, his dark brown wolf was soon greeting me.

I could tell the difference now. How there was Kieran and then there was his wolf. When I’d first seen him in this form, it had very clearly been Kieran in control so to not scare me. But now… I guess with him presuming that I was the same, I could feel as his wolf was more in charge. It felt more… animalistic and playful as he moved.

Could he tell I was holding that side of me back? That there was something a bit… off?

Well, if he could, he didn’t show it.

And though he wanted me to follow him, I could feel my anxiety building inside instead.

It built… and built… and built… and by the time I was finally taking my first steps, moving for the very first time as myself in this form… I felt as my hold began to thin.

Thinning until, suddenly… it broke.

‘*Shift back. NOW*,’ I demanded inside.

The beast was trying to take control, attempting to push me aside so quickly it was like an elastic band that had snapped. But I managed to command this one last thing, saying it a second before it was too late.

And, to my relief, my body started to revert back to normal.

It was over… for now.

“What was that?” Kieran asked, a few moments later. “Is everything okay?”

He’d been much faster at shifting forms than me, as was to be expected.

“Sorry, I’m fine,” I replied. “I’m just… learning.”

My body was now shaking uncontrollably as I spoke, unable to hide the adrenaline that fear had shot through me. I’d been so close to losing control… so close to letting it loose.

“Hey… you did so well,” he said, coming over to hug me.

But, even in his arms, I was unable to relax.