Psycho - Headless Horsemen MC novel Chapter 41

- Harley -

"Harley?... Harley?... Harley just say something... Come on Harlz", the world Harlz snaps me out of my little numb world, my eyes snap up to meet a watery pair owned by Gunner "Hmmm" I hum quietly in response, I look to the right of him and see Shelby, her eyes are red and puffy as well as her nose from crying. I look back to Gunner who is still looking at me with worry apparent on his face, "The doctors want you to eat, you cant keep starving yourself. Even just a biscuit or something" I huff and lay back on the bed, "I'm not hungry" I mumble under my breath.

Gunner sighs loudly clearly frustrated with me, I would be too it's been like this since I woke up. No appetite, can't keep anything but water and juice down, I'm just not hungry. "Jesus Harley it's been 5 days you need to eat or they will have to force-feed you!" I sit upon my bed and stare Gunner down if looks could kill he would be long gone, "I'm not hungry" I say in the calmest voice I can manage.

"Just fucking eat something Harlz, you need to get better and you won't get better if you just sit in bed and mope around all fucking day, I know you lost your baby girl but you need to fucking get your shit together!" As soon as he finished his sentence he knew he had pushed it too far with me, "Get out Shelby" I say in a shaky voice. "Harley ple-" I cut her off, "GET OUT SHELBY NOW" I growl at her thankfully that's all it takes for her to leave the room, I turn my attention back to Gunner who is standing dead still.

"You" I point at him, I begin to slowly get out of the hospital bed and my body begins to shake, I don't know if it's from my anger or the lack of energy I have. "You have no fucking idea what I'm fucking dealing with right now, you have no idea how it feels to wake up to have an emptiness inside you. You don't know heartbreak until you lose something you have grown yourself. I never got to say goodbye to her, I never got to experience being a mother, I never got to hold my baby, I never got to kiss my baby. I was robbed of being a mother and the worst part is? I deserve it, I deserve it so much worse than what it is, because I ripped people away from their friends and family, this is my own fault, this is on me" by the end of my mental breakdown my voice had become broken and shaky and tears were flooding my face.

Gunners face was twisted in pain and tears threatened to escape his glassy eyes, I swallow the lump in my throat and take a deep breath "Please give me some time alone" I say softly before wiping the tears from my cheeks, "Harlz I'm so fucking sorry you know I nev-", "Fucking please Gunner I just need time to be alone right now" I reply quickly as the lump in my throat begins to emerge again, he nods his head and pulls me in for a hug, he hugs me tightly before quickly leaving the room. As soon as the door closes behind him I lock the door and lean my back against it.

Deep breaths Harley deep breaths I remind myself but it's no use, the tears come flooding back and there's no stopping them now. I slide down the door and sit on the floor, I pull my knees into my chest and bury my head inbetween, and I just sit there a cry and cry and cry for how long? I'm not sure but at the end of it, I had no tears left to cry.

I get myself off the floor and unlock the door before making my way to the bathroom, I walk in and flick on the light the brightness stinging my sore eyes, I turn and look at myself in the mirror. I've seen myself bruised, beaten and bloodied but never like this, I don't recognise the person standing before me, the deep sunken eyes, the frail-looking body, the matted hair I look like shit, to say the least. Maybe a shower will do me some good.

I get into the shower and turn the water on, I stand under the water and watch the dried blood wash off my body, I look around and see that someone had brought my toiletries from the clubhouse, a small smile spread across my lips when I realised there was also a mixture of Jax's stuff in here. He's been so amazing through all of this, so tentative and caring, doesn't push me to eat or drink, I couldn't have asked for a better man to have by my side.

I haven't seen him in 3 days he's out looking for whoever crashed into me. I dig through the bag and grab out my shampoo and conditioner and Jax's body wash, one of my favourite smells. I wash my hair and brush out all the knots before washing my body and brushing my teeth. I get out of the shower and quickly scan over myself, I trace my fingers over the bruises and cuts on my stomach, a cold shiver travels up my spine as memories of the accident become more clear to me, the sound of metal colliding and crunching together, the sound of tyres screeching, the sound of glass shattering, the overwhelming smell of fuel, the heat of the fire, everything.