The Lonely God novel Chapter 48

-HER-

I feel the floor of the graveyard under me as I drop to my knees and try to fight the sick feeling inside me as I cry my heart out.

"So this is where you've been coming all this time?" His voice slices through the silence of the graveyard, making the hair at the back of my neck stand up. I lift my head to find his hooded figures standing in front of me, looking almost the same as in the vision. Though he is a lot muscular now and more powerful.

My breath gets caught in my chest, solidifying my insides. It takes me a few seconds to realize that I am shivering visibly. My breath is coming out in front of my face like a white cloud while I look up at him. The heat of my body is melting the snow beneath me, soaking the fabric of my clothes.

The night air ruffles my hair as he slowly takes his hood down to reveal his face. His silver eyes bore into me. They are cold, passive, haunting but at the same time beautiful. The expression on his face is stern and regal.

Suddenly, I am being transported back to the night when I cursed out to his statue in a drunken state. That night I had his statue in front of me but tonight, it's him. As fear starts to creep inside me, I feel the seventeen years old me coming to life. All the emotions and memories start to play in front of my eyes, reminding me again of all the things he is capable of.

His hard gaze makes me feel so small, inferior and vulnerable. I am overwhelmed by this struggle inside me. There are two parts of me playing tug of war with my conscience. I cannot decide whether to go back to fear and loath him like the seventeen years old me used to do or to move on from that and start to nurture the small amount of affection for him that has somehow managed to sprout in my seemingly dead heart.

There's a surge of emotions and thoughts in me, it's drowning my logical part. I squeeze my eyes shut as I try to swim to the surface of the sour thoughts and memories. I am holding back my tears. It's taking all in me to not to break down in front of him. It's not like he hasn't seen me crying but I don't want him seeing my emotions getting the best out of me.

"I......I don't believe in you," Is the thing that I say next without even realizing it. My ears are ringing. I don't know if it's my imagination playing games but suddenly, our surrounding seems to have changed. We are in the ruins back in my pack. He is standing where his statue has been while the ruins of his once glories palace shadow behind him, resembling his rough and dark past.

"Isn't this what you said that night?" He asks. His voice is low and husky. It sounds like the chime of the wind, almost non-existential. For a moment, I thought he didn't speak at all. I gulp my thoughts and fears down as I stand up on my feet.

He watches me closely, not caring for the shift of the scene around us. We're not in the graveyard anymore and again, I am not his queen. I am just me. In my old clothes, in my old body, my insides wrapped in my old thoughts yet I am more me. I am the Nefret I never knew.

"We're back...." I whisper.

"You are no god. Just a self-obsessed, obnoxious, unworthy, mortal man who called himself a god," He speaks and it doesn't take me long to realize that he is repeating my words from that night. There are these unknown guilt and pain in his eyes. Words won't be able to capture them. "Guess you were right," He adds.

My chest weights down with my own words coming out of his mouth. "I... -"

"You don't deserve to be called a god! You don't deserve anything!" As he continues to repeat my words, his voice becomes stronger, laced with his unexpressed emotions. It's shaking me up from inside. The words that I used once to question him are hurting me more now.

"I was drunk, Arle-"

"But are you now?" He asks sternly. All the emotions are gone. He resembles a breathing statue.

"No, but-"

"Did you have fun seeing me like that?" He asks and a tear escapes my eye. I am being stabbed by my own words. I am hurting over the things I never knew could affect me so badly. Vesta lets out a painful howl inside me. She is suffering from the misery of something she wasn't a part of. She feels guilty for a mistake she didn't commit.

"No," I let out a small sob as tears start to stream down my face.

When dawn hits, I hear voices in the kitchen and feel some commotion so I sneak out of the place and end up going for another run. I let Vesta take control as she runs as fast as she could. The trees pass by us in a blur and wind whooshes past my ears as her legs carry us away from him.

Today, it's snowing heavily and I feel so tired and sleepy. I come across a cave. After some inspection and finding it safe for a shelter, I end up curling there and taking a nap.

I woke up around afternoon when my stomach felt emptier than his heart. I stretched and went out looking for a hunt but soon realized that everything is dead here.

IT'S ALL HIS FAULT!

I cursed him for an hour or so for his kingdom being dead. I ended up sleeping more and woke up at dusk. I was both surprised and disappointed that he didn't come looking for me. This only proves one thing: he meant what he said. He doesn't really care for me. I am just a way for him to ... to... Vesta lets out a painful moan as I cry internally.

He doesn't want me anymore? Now, what do I do with the feelings that I have for him? What do I do with his mark? Heck, what do I do with myself now? I wanted to die but he ... he ... gave me a new life. He gave me things I could have never dream of... he's so bad. He's so bad for being that good to me.

I questioned his capability of changing a man's destiny. Turns out, he could do it for real and now, it hurts so much. He gave me hope. He gave me a reason to live and now he took it away. He ended the meaning of everything.

I hate this. I hate him. I hate how I feel for him. It's all because of the mating pull. I want this to go away somehow so that I can be free of these feelings. If there wasn't this mating bong then I'd have run away. I'd have disappeared. I'd have never existed.

Wait a minute!

There's a way to end it all. Vesta is shocked at my thoughts and so am I but it has to be done. I am sick and tired of this...