Rejected By My Mate novel Chapter 59

Azrael’s POV

No one understands how I really feel. Every day I struggled to wake up, to continue living without Alex. I miss her presence, her smile, her kiss and I miss everything about her. I kept thinking about her every second, every minute, and every hour of every day. How could I stop thinking about her when my heart yearns for her? It’s been three months, and it’s just getting worse because I couldn’t concentrate on my Alpha duty.

My pack members looked at me in pity every time they saw me, and I hated it. Because of it, I mostly spend my time in my office during the day and running in the forest at night to vent out my anger and frustration. Matthew and Lucy are the only ones I permitted entering my office because, without them, I am going insane. Well, sometimes Liza would come to my office, but I shooed her away. I don’t want to see her because I will just remember how Alex died.

My heart is aching every time I remember that horrible scene. The memories keep haunting me even in my sleep. Losing Alex means losing half of me, and I don’t know if I could go on like this. It has affected my Alpha job for the past months and I don’t think I deserve to be an Alpha of the pack anymore. Matthew did all the work when I left and I think he is more deserving to be an Alpha, not a jerk like me.

Using mind-link, I talked to my Beta, ‘Matthew, please come to my office.’

‘Is something wrong, Alpha?’

‘No. Just come here.’

‘Okay, Alpha.’

While waiting for Matthew, I continued checking some documents. I have to complete everything and get it done today. Not long after, someone knocks on the door. “Come in,” I said and looked up when the door opened and Matthew came in with a smile.

“Matthew, have a seat.”

“You want something, Alpha?” he asked as he settled himself in the seat in front of me.

“Matthew, I have a favor to ask you,” I said, dropping the pen from my grip and stared at Matthew.

“What is it, Alpha? I will do everything you will say,” he said.

“Really?” I confirmed, and he nodded.

“Alpha, my heart is racing, and I feel like this conversation will not be good,” he said while frowning. I chuckled a little.

“Matthew—”

“And you’re not even calling me Beta. Are you okay, Alpha?” he asked with eyebrows furrowed.

“Stop with the formalities, Matthew. We are alone, so no need to address me as Alpha.” I said and gave him a faint smile.

He sighed and slowly nodded his head, “Okay, Azrael. Now, as your best friend, I know something’s going on with that head of yours. Tell me, is everything alright?” he asked anxiously.

I took a deep breath and sighed. “Matthew, I am stepping down as the Alpha of the pack. I think I’m not deserving to be the Alpha of the pack anymore.”

He looked stunned with his jaw dropped, “What?! Azrael, are you insane? You are our Alpha no matter what. You are not stepping down in your position. The pack is nothing without you. We are a lot stronger with you as our Alpha.” he said dramatically while clenching his jaw and stood up while staring at me unbelievably.

I shook my head and said, “No, Matthew. The pack is much stronger with you as their Alpha. You prove yourself when I left. All I did was bring the pack down. Many warriors had died because of me. If I didn’t let them go with me, they wouldn’t die sacrificing their life for everyone.”

Matthew let out a frustrated sigh, “You’re wrong, Azrael. The pack warriors had no choice because it was an order from the King. Everyone just abides by the King’s order and the pack warrior’s death is not your fault. Azrael, we believe in you as our Alpha. No matter what happens, the pack will still choose you as our Alpha.”

How would I do without Matthew? He’s like my sibling with different parents. I’m so lucky to have him as my Beta. Well, we grew up together and I think he knows me well more than I do.

“That’s what ashamed me, Matthew. You all believe in me, but I didn’t acknowledge that because I don’t believe in myself either. I am the one that led them to their death. And do you think I didn’t know that some pack members who lost their loved ones in the war hated me? Matthew, they blamed me for the death of many and I can’t stay being an Alpha anymore, not without a Luna too. Matthew, I’m handing you the position as an Alpha of Shepherd Pack.” I said, and it stunned him to say a word.

The room went silent and only the ticks of the clock echoed. It’s like nothing can break the silence.

After a little while, Matthew shook his head in disbelief and said, “No. I won’t accept the position you offer, Azrael. No matter what you say, you’re still our Alpha. Why do you think I took care of the pack when you left looking for your mate? I did it for you, Azrael, because you are my best friend. I was there when you lost your parents and I was there when you needed a shoulder to cry on when you lost your mate. As your best friend, I will do everything to make you happy. You are like a brother to me, Azrael. So don’t say you didn’t deserve to be our Alpha because you’ve done a lot of things for the better future of the pack. Don’t say you have done nothing worthy because you did a lot. You just haven’t realized it yet because you always think, you didn’t do your best when in fact it’s more than you can imagine.”

I went silent again as I processed Matthew’s words. However, he doesn’t understand what I felt, my heart is full of pain and regrets, missing Alex is killing me. And this behavior of mine will bring the pack down. A pack needs a strong Alpha, not a weak and a mateless Alpha. And I am not qualified to be their Alpha anymore.

“But Matthew, I can’t continue leading the pack if I don’t believe in myself anymore. I’ve lost my will to do my duty as an Alpha. The pack needs a Luna, which I couldn’t give anymore. Matthew, I won’t be able to find a new mate because all I need is Alex. As early as possible, I am stepping down with my position as an Alpha.” I said, standing up from my chair, then walked towards the window and looked outside.

“But Azrael—”

“Matthew, my decision is final. I am not qualified to be an Alpha anymore.” I said, taking a step towards him with a smile. “And I believe in you, Matthew. Don’t worry, I will visit every once a year if I can.”

He frowned and looked at me incredulously, “I’m confused, Azrael. You are not just stepping down in your position, but you are leaving the pack? No. I won’t accept it.” he said while shaking his head.

Suddenly, the door busted open with a loud bang. Lucy came in with clenched teeth and teary eyes. “Did I hear it right, Alpha? You’re leaving?” she said with a questioning look. I sighed and walked back towards the window.

Lucy sobbed and said, “Is it because of Andrea? I mean—Alexandria?”

I clenched my jaw while trying to stop the tears from falling on my face. Just a mention of Alex’s name makes my heart ache.

“You’re a coward, Alpha. You rejected her before and then when you realize how stupid you are for dumping your mate, you chase her and trying to win her back. And now that she’s gone, you’re dumping us too? You are a coward! A stupid jerk!”

“Lucy, stop!” Matthew tried to stop Lucy.

I clenched my fist into a ball and gritted my teeth. The truth just slapped me hard on my entire ego.

“No, Matt! He needed someone to slap him with the truth. Of how a jerk he was!” Lucy said while glaring at me.