BEAUTIFULLY UNFINISHED novel Chapter 54

FIFTY-THREE

M I R A N D A

"Hey."

Louis pops out of the bedroom again while he walks closer to the bed with his boxers on.

"Good morning." He kisses my cheek.

I glanced at myself, on top of a bed with nothing on but Louis' bed sheet. We made love last night but it wasn't the same kind of sex that I had with Harry a few nights ago.

"You're quiet." He speaks.

I sigh at the thought of what Harry and I did about a week ago. I have been feeling totally guilty about it for the entire seven days straight. I can't stop thinking about what I did behind Louis' back and I can't stop thinking about Harry. I can't stop thinking about what we did. God knows how it felt good but I felt so disgusted of myself. I can't get it out of my head.

God damn it, that sex was the best!

It certainly was the best.

"Love?" Louis calls out.

I smiled as I pulled myself up from the bed and sat down. "What did you ask me again?"

"I said, you're quiet." He wraps his arms around my side.

"I'm just thinking." I say.

"About?"

That night I had sex with Harry. I was so stupid to be tempted. But I can't seem to resist it. I thought.

"About Ben." I lied.

"Ben's fine. You don't have to worry. He's doing great with his rehab activities and he's starting to learn on how to talk again."

I stared at Louis. He placed his arms around my waist as I stare at his deep blue eyes. He looks at me with a smile but I can't seem to be happy this week because of what happened. I feel so guilty every time those blue eyes look at me. I feel like I'm a huge sinner cos of what I've done. Every time he tells me he loves me I feel like I don't deserve him cos I had sex with Harry.

"Is something bugging you?" He pushes my hair behind my ear.

"No." I say quickly as I take a grip tight on the blanket to cover my breasts.

He cupped both of my cheeks. "You're lying. You've been zoned out lately. Tell me what's wrong." He says.

I shake my head. "Nothing."

He stares at me for a while before he smiled. "Alright. If you say so."

I smiled back to make sure everything was okay. He releases me and starts to slip off from the bed.

"Lou?" I reached for his hand and stopped him from leaving.

He quickly stares back, "Yes love?"

"You..." I trailed off as my eyes glared on the floor. "You haven't talked to me about Harry's interview."

My eyes moved back to him and he's just looking at me impassively. I haven't talked to Louis about it. I can't seem to find the right words and right time to tackle it with him. He hasn't even opened up about it too, not even a single bit. Sometimes I wonder if he even saw it but I'm sure he did. I know Louis gets jealous as hell when it comes to Harry but I can't help not to talk to him about it now cos he's involved.

"What is there left to talk about?" He asked.

I exhale. "I don't know. You haven't opened up about it."

He moved closer and holds both of my hands. "Because I don't wanna talk about it." He says.

"Whenever I think about that interview he did a week ago, I get mad at Harry. That's why I don't wanna talk about it. I don't wanna remember. I don't wanna take in mind the things he said. I don't wanna get mad again. What you had with Harry are all in the past now." He continues.

But I had sex with him seven nights ago and I'm sorry. I mentally said.

I held his left cheek, "Lou..."

You're making me feel so guilty because I can see from your eyes how much you love me but I did that thing behind your back. I thought.

He smiles. "I love you Miranda."

I sigh.

"I can ignore and forget what Harry said as long as you stay with me." He adds.

My heart is breaking with his words.

"As long as you're faithful to me I can take everything." He continues.

I feel massive spikes of icicles darted on my throat when he said he can take everything as long as I'm faithful.

My guilt is building up.

"I know he had you first. I know you met him first. I know you did everything first together before me. But I want to be your last." He adds.

I exhale heavily while I feel pangs of pain on my chest.

Louis is so faithful to me.

Louis loves me so much.

Louis is willing to sacrifice everything for me but how can I do that to him?

How can I have sex with Harry?

How can I cheat behind Louis' back?

How can I do this to the man who loves me this much?

My guilt is now as high as the tallest skyscraper in the world.

I feel my tears gathering inside my eyes and I can't stop it from falling anymore. It's falling and falling more and more every second. All I did was wrap my arms around Louis' waist and hugged him as tight as I could.

"Why are you crying?" He asked.

I shake my head sideways. "You love me too much." I answered.

"Is it a bad thing?" He asked.

"No. You just love me too much is making me cry." I sob.

I feel Louis kissing the top of my head as he holds me tighter. I can't stop myself from crying and sobbing. He's just holding me tight around his arms and he's just letting me cry. He's not asking me anything else but he's just holding me tightly around his arms.

After a while, he releases me. "Are you sure you're okay?"

I nod. "I love you Louis."

He smiles and kisses my forehead. "I know you do."

"But I love you so much more Miranda." He pushes my hair behind my ear.

I'm sorry Louis. I'm so sorry. You're too good for me but I wasn't even faithful to you. It was one sinful night that I wish didn't happen to me and Harry.

•••••

"Ben, hold still or the shampoo will get into your eyes." I tell him.

Ben moves his head up to me. I smiled at him, "Ben, are you still mad at mommy?" I asked.

He just stared at me.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you the truth. Mommy was just scared." I could feel my tears building up behind my eyelids but I try to control it from falling.

"I was so scared that they might take you away from me. I was so scared that you might want to be with them than me." My voice shakes.

"M-mommy..." Ben talks.

I gaped.

I wasn't just dreaming that I was hearing Ben's voice. Ben finally talked. He finally talked after almost two weeks of being silent. The therapy is helping Ben. My tears fell down my cheeks, it's flooding my cheeks and I'm just too happy to hear him calling me mommy again.

"You... You just talked Ben." I cupped his cheeks and he tried to smile.

"I'm... Im not.... Mad... At you." He tried to talk even though he was having a hard time.

I smiled at what I just heard from Ben's mouth. I kiss his forehead and held my arms around my son. He just talked. He just told me he's not mad. Ben is recovering. Little by little he's already recovering and I can see that he's really trying his best to help himself.

"Oh Ben. I've been waiting so long to hear your voice." I tell him.

"Did you know how mommy was so worried of you not talking to me? I was so worried you were still mad at me that's why you weren't talking to mommy." I can't help my tears.

"I... Wanted to... S-surprise you."

I stared at him for a second before answering him while shaking my head.

"Nothing." I answered.

I turned my attention to Ben. "Let me dry up your hair so you can sleep already." I told Ben.

He nods.

Harry carries him effortlessly and slowly placed Ben on top of his bed. Harry tucked him under his blanket and both of us sat down on each of the bed's sides while Ben stares at us.

"M-mom?"

"Yes sweetheart?" I answered.

Ben glares at Harry. "W-why aren't you... and d-dad.... Together?"

I think my face paled but I didn't want to stare at Harry. I just kept my eyes on Ben but he's constantly looking at me then at Harry then at me then at Harry. I take a deep breath in and exhaled.

"Why can't we... B-be a... Happy and... C-complete family?" Ben asked again.

I feel like my heart is being darted. I know your pain Ben. I know how that feels and I hate it that I can't complete our family. Your daddy Harry is marrying someone else and I'm also with Louis. We can't be together. We're not meant to be together even if I want to so much.

I push Ben's hair off his face, "Ben let's not talk about that for now, okay?"

"But mom... Daddy Harry isn't m-married yet... And.. And... Y-you aren't married to Daddy L-Louis too." Ben pouts.

I feel Harry's eyes darted at me and he's waiting for me to talk. I bite my inner cheek and cursed mentally.

"I love your Daddy Louis." I tell him.

"B-B-But... Don't you love Daddy Harry?" Ben asks.

Damn it Ben. I curse inwardly.

I paused.

My head slowly moved towards Harry's direction and his piercing green eyes were locking with mine. Both of us went quiet. Both of us were just looking at each other. Both of us didn't know what to say.

"It doesn't matter if your mommy Randy doesn't love me, Ben." Harry answered for me but he was still looking my way.

There was silence for a few seconds and my heart is pounding against my ribs. I feel it pumping, pounding and thumping fast. I can feel it jumping out of my chest. I don't know why I got nervous when I heard those words.

But I love you Harry.

I do love you.

I've loved you ever since then and I think no matter how hard I try to tell myself that I've forgotten about you and what I felt for you, I know I'm only lying to myself.

Harry's eyes never left me. Harry's eyes were so focused on me that it's beginning to make me feel awkward. Harry's eyes shows me that he's sincere. Harry's eyes tells me that what he said on that interview was true.

"Because I love her." Harry adds.

My heart dropped.

"I love her so much that I haven't told her about it yet. And now she knows I do." Harry continues.

I bite my inner lip and realized that he's still gluing his eyes on me. I'm trying to stop my tears from building up behind my eyelids. My heart is racing. I feel the sudden thrill running all over my body.

"Even if we can't be together. Even if she loves your daddy Louis and even if we can't be a complete family like how badly we want it, I promise you that I'll always be here for her." Harry stares at me for the last time before moving his head to Ben.

"And for you too Ben." He kisses Ben's forehead.

I quickly looked away once I felt my tears were about to fall. It's flooding my eyes and I hurriedly wiped it away once it landed my cheeks. I take a deep breath in and exhaled.

"S-see mommy?" Ben holds my wrist.

I moved my head back to him.

"D-D-Daddy Harry lo-loves you." He adds.

I smiled at Ben. "Go to sleep sweetie."

Ben smiles back. "G-goodnight mom. Goodn-night dad."

Harry and I kissed Ben's forehead before we headed out his room the second he fell asleep. We were both quiet. We didn't talk. We didn't say anything to each other but I was so sure there was awkward silence between the two of us.

"I do love you Miranda." I hear Harry saying before we reached the stairs.