BEAUTIFULLY UNFINISHED novel Chapter 61

SIXTY

M I R A N D A

When we got back to New York after Harry's wedding I still feel bad for what I've done. Sometimes I get terribly quiet and I have deeper thoughts bothering me. Every time I look at myself in front of the mirror right after I take a shower, I stare at my pretty small growing bump. I'd brush my palm over it. I'd take a longer time on staring at myself.

This is Harry's baby again.

I actually don't know and don't understand what I feel. It's mixed.

I'm mad at Harry for what he's done.

But at the same time I still love him.

And most of all, I feel terribly awful for getting pregnant again by Harry while I'm in a relationship with Louis. The worst case scenario is, Louis chose to forgive me. Louis chose to stay with me. Louis chose to accept me again. Louis chose to still love me.

I even ask myself why Louis is too kind. Why does Louis love me this much? Why is Louis still staying with me? Why do I feel like I don't deserve him?

Maybe I really don't deserve him.

After everything wonderful that he has done for me, I pay him back with conceiving Harry's child. But I didn't want this child in me. Harry was the one who wanted it. Right now I feel massive guilt-trip every single time I think about it. After that atrocious betrayal I've done that I did behind his back, he is still here. He still loves me.

Who wouldn't be guilty?

And moreover, he accepts this baby again without any hesitations and without any bad words said. But the only problem is, Harry.

Harry wants to be a father to this child too, but what about Audrey? No doubt she won't be able to handle this when she'll find out about the truth. What will the people say about me once they'll find out I'm having a child with Harry while I'm in a relationship with Louis?

That will ruin my name, my reputation.

It's been three weeks since the wedding and as what I've read online, Audrey and Harry are still spending their honeymoon in Greece Santorini.

Greece Santorini.

A very beautiful place.

Audrey posted pictures of them in Instagram and they looked happy. People have been busy talking about it and how they say the both of them are perfect for each other. Well, Audrey is happy about this but Harry? Not so. I think. I don't know, maybe I'm just thinking that he's not enjoying it but he's actually having fun with her.

"Love?"

Louis slowly comes inside the bedroom and walks closer to where I was. He sits on top of the bed right next to me. I closed the novel that I was reading and rested my head over Louis' shoulder as he wraps his arm behind me.

"I've made dinner." He says.

I smiled ruefully. "You did?"

He nods.

Louis stops and stares at me while he heads by left cheek. "You look terrible. Are you okay?"

"Of course." I snapped. "Yes."

His eyes looks at me doubtfully. "I know that you're lying."

It's been three weeks since Louis' found out about the truth. It's been three weeks since I've been carrying this agony and guilt with me. It's been three weeks since I talked to Harry. I intentionally wanted to stay away from him because I don't want to ruin what he has now with Audrey. Even though he admitted to me that he purposely got me pregnant for the second time, I can't depend on it. I'll wait until the baby comes out, it could be Louis'.

"Why don't we have dinner?" He asked.

"Where's Ben?"

"He's already asleep. His nurses let him eat earlier." He answers. "But you. You need to eat."

Louis placed his hand over my growing tummy. "Our baby might be starving now." He smiles.

Our baby.

I sigh.

For the past three weeks, Louis has been trying to cheer me up when he knows I'm bothered again about what happened in London. He would try to get my mind off of what happened. He would joke around and make me laugh just so I wouldn't think about it. He would try to talk to me about things that would make me forget about it but before I go to sleep, I end up bothered and guilty for that sinful night. Whenever I watch Louis sleep next to me, I always pity him.

But I'm happy, so happy, that Louis is trying his best to move on of what happened. I'm too blessed to have him. I'm too blessed and I'm amused that he's strong for this and he's not even mad at me. I'm even more mad at myself. He's not even talking to me about it and it totally astounded me. He's acting like nothing happened.

"Louis... Why are you doing this? The more you act like you're nice to me, the more I feel so guilty about it."

I feel him kissing my temple longer than five seconds. "You're my woman. You're the one I love." He says.

He pulls my chin up so I could face him. "And I don't want you to doubt my love for you Randy, cos that's the only thing I'm sure of."

"But that night, I betr--"

"Forget about that stupid night. I don't want to remember it. As long as I have you, I'm fine." He smiles broken-heartedly.

He's making my heart cry.

I lean forward and kissed his lips briefly. I laced my arms around him and hugged him as tight as I could.

"Why aren't you mad at me? I want you to get mad at me." I pulled myself away and stared back at him.

"Get mad at me, Louis. Get mad at me for what I did. I want you to yell at me. I want you to tell me you hate me. I want you to get mad at me for what I've done." Im beginning to cry.

He looks at me pitifully.

"I want you to tell me you can't forgive me. Stop acting like you're fine about what happened because I know you're not. I know you're not okay Louis." I added while my voice shakes.

He smiles at me.

Damn he can still smile at me like that and I hate how he's acting fine.

"I am fine." He tells me.

He holds both of my cheeks and planted his lips on my forehead while my tears are flooding on my face. He gently pulls my face up to him so I can look back into his teary eyes. He's eyes are filled with little amounts of tears but he's trying so hard not to cry.

"I promise you I'm alright. I'm okay now. I was mad at first but I know it won't lead me nowhere if I'd keep my anger. I've gotten over it." He tells me.

Louis wipes my tears with his thumbs and smiles again. "Let's just start all over again." He says.

I nod.

"Let's forget that it even happened cos I'm trying to forget about it too. I don't wanna remember it. I'm still hurting and I won't deny that but I'm staying strong for you. And for myself." He adds.

I smile at him and just nodded again.

"I don't care how complicated this gets, I still want you." He tells me.

I smiled bewailingly.

"Thank you Louis." I say.

He smiles.

"Thank you for staying with me. Thank you for still being here. Thank you for forgiving me. Thank you." I added.

Sometimes I'm confused of my own thoughts. I'm confused of what I actually feel. I know I love Louis, in my heart and in my mind I know what I feel for him. I don't know if I still love Harry though but most of the times I weigh who really owns by heart.

And it's always Louis.

Always.

It's Louis cos he's my boyfriend.

"Dinner is getting cold." Louis smirks.

I smile softly. "You cooked? Again?"

He nods.

"You and cooking don't go well together but I love it when you cook for me." I tell him.