Breaking All the Rules novel Chapter 40

He rubs my back and I shiver. "You can tell me anything." He assures me.

"Not this." I tell him.

He kisses my forehead again, his lips linger and I close my eyes. If he would only be exclusive we could do this almost every night again. We can be together. Why can't he just commit to me?

"When you're ready to talk, I'm here." He tells me.

I tighten my grip on his waist, I never want to let him go. "I know." I say. If I ever get up enough nerve to tell him. A part of me wanted to just go for it, but another part of me, the bigger part of me, is way too scared of losing him. I want him in my life, even if it hurts to be around him and not be able to kiss him, at least I still have him in my life.

"Night, Kamdyn."

"Night, Ian."

After a few moments I hear his light snoring and sigh, I wish I could fall asleep that fast. I snuggle into him and close my eyes. I've missed lying next to him so much. It feels so right, just being near him. Maybe being friends isn't so bad after all.

I wake up to a massive hard on being pressed into my bare behind. My shirt is pulled up just below my breasts and a warm male hand has taken possession of one of my breasts. He's snoring lightly so there is no doubt he's asleep. How can he sleep through this? I instinctively move against him and I feel his grip tighten on my breast and the snoring stops. He squeezes my breast causing me to bite my lip to keep from screaming out. He leans over me and starts kissing my neck, I close my eyes, afraid to move, afraid he will stop.

"Kamdyn." He murmurs.

I turn onto my back and his lips quickly find mine. I cling to his hair, returning his kiss, desperate to have him never stop kissing me. How have I gone so long without this? How can I ever move on from this? He runs his hand up my side and the feeling of his callused hand against my soft skin makes me moan.

"You're so sexy." He says against my lips. "I want you so bad it hurts."

"Ian, don't stop." I beg.

He kisses me again as his hand finds my breast, playing with my nipple. I gasp against his lips but he doesn't stop kissing me. I cling to him, never wanting to let him go. I feel his other hand trail up my leg and I desperately buck against him, wanting to feel him everywhere. I need to have him inside me again and by the way he's kissing me I can tell he wants me just as badly.

"I've missed this so much." He tells me before trailing kisses down my neck.

"Me too. How have we gone so long? Forget what I said about no longer hooking up. I was an idiot. I'm totally fine being friends with benefits." I grab for his pants but his hand stills my hand. He's leaning over me panting. Why did he stop me?

"What are you saying?" He asks studying me.

"That I'm stupid. We obviously can't just be friends without hooking up."

He flinches like what I've said offended him. I feel him start to pull away. "Ian, no." I reach for him to hold him to me but he's already out of my reach.

He stands to his feet, both hands on his hips, breathing heavily. "You don't think we can be friends? You think all I want from you is to hook up?"

I feel like I'm about to explode and he wants to talk? "No, that's not what I meant. I was only saying....Ian, I want you so badly I can't stand it. Come back here."

"I don't want to just hook up, Kamdyn. That's not what this is. I can have any girl for that, I.....Kamdyn, I....." He sighs and rubs his face. "This is not what I want."

That hurt. Now he doesn't even want to hook up with me? I feel so stupid. "I see." I say fighting back the tears. I stand up and take his shirt off, replacing it with my dress, I don't even bother putting my bra back on.

I grab a slice and take a bite, closing my eyes savoring the taste. I take a seat on the sofa opposite of the one they are sitting on. I practically swallow the entire piece before reaching for another.

"Have you eaten today?'' Jess asks eyeing me.

"Yeah, this morning." I say over a mouth full.

"I don't want to get in the middle-" Nick starts.

"So don't." I say already knowing what he's going to say. I'm not in the mood to hear about Ian. I just need to cut my loses and move on.

"Ian told me what happened and I think you really need to talk to him. You misunderstood what he was trying to say."

"No, I'm pretty sure I understand rejection when I see it." I tell him before finishing off my pizza.

"Rejection? Look Ian is pretty upset about what went down-"

"You mean Ian is capable of feelings?" I ask mordantly. "This is news to me."

"Kamdyn-"

"No, Nick, I really don't want to talk about Ian. Okay? He's not interested in me. I get it. Seriously don't even worry about it." I stand up. "I'll see you in the morning." I tell Jess before heading back to my room. Nick and my conversation left me a little shaky. I'll never be able to get some sleep now so instead I turn on my laptop and search for a good movie to take my mind off it. This is going to be a long night.